Mania Is A Tsunami

A friend gave me one of the best descriptions of mania and depression. Whether or not a person has had any experience with bi-polar disorder,  they will  be able to understand what it feels like.  I was  so impressed, that I asked if I could blog it. They gave me  their permission to publish this description. Of course, any personal information has been removed or changed.

I was riding the manic tsunami for months and finally washed up in February. If mania is a tidal wave, “normal” is a pool, and depression is going down the drain.

Well, the pool is pretty boring after the adrenaline rush of the tsunami and I was grieving a little for my mania. Although mania is hard to handle, you have no choice but to go with it.  Normal requires a lot of effort, concentration, discipline, organization  – these things are as difficult to find after a mania as personal belongings in storm debris.

So, I’ve been “managing” for a little while, sometimes struggling. Normal feels like being stuck moving in slow motion, wading in deep water. It, too, is tiring.

“Mixed” is very precarious and where I am now.  It took a great deal of effort to finally get out of bed. I’ve been, sort of, mentally paralyzed today. Once I did get up, I got stuck in the newspaper. I finally  showered – it was noon. The only thing I accomplished today was laundry and filling up bird feeders.  It was all robotic – no joy or awe in it, just going through the motions.  I tried playing with my animals, but none of us could focus. Some wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I wonder if they can smell unstable?

I saw a news story about a flight attendant who had a breakdown on a  plane. The passengers all recorded it and the screams echoed in my soul. The attendant was experiencing a manic episode and did not take her lithium that day.   Sanity is so precarious – balancing on the tip of a needle.   Skip your meds one day and you lose it.   It would be easier to be sick in body – no one questions it.

I am awake but not alert.  I don’t feel sharp. I feel tired but cannot rest, hungry but indecisive about eating, contemplative and frustrated. It is a beautiful day, but I feel stuck in the house.  There is no reason to be  stuck inside except for my own immobility. The cool breeze overwhelms me, and thinking about it makes me tired.

I want to go to bed, cover my head and  wait for this feeling to go away.